1.

"MY Confession: To be put into my coffin; and to be buried withme when I die.

"This is the history of what I did in the time of my marriedlife. Here--known to no other mortal creature, confessed to myCreator alone--is the truth.

"At the great day of the Resurrection, we shall all rise again inour bodies as we have lived. When I am called before the JudgmentSeat I shall have this in my hand.

"Oh, just and merciful Judge, Thou knowest what I have suffered.My trust is in Thee.

2.

"I am the eldest of a large family, born of pious parents. Webelonged to the congregation of the Primitive Methodists.

"My sisters were all married before me. I remained for some yearsthe only one at home. At the latter part of the time my mother'shealth failed; and I managed the house in her place. Ourspiritual pastor, good Mr. Bapchild, used often to dine with us,on Sundays, between the services. He approved of my management ofthe house, and, in particular, of my cooking. This was notpleasant to my mother, who felt a jealousy of my being, as itwere, set over her in her place. My unhappiness at home began inthis way. My mother's temper got worse as her health got worse.My father was much away from us, traveling for his business. Ihad to bear it all. About this time I began to think it would bewell for me if I could marry as my sisters had done; and havegood Mr. Bapchild to dinner, between the services, in a house ofmy own.

"In this frame of mind I made acquaintance with a young man whoattended service at our chapel.

"His name was Joel Dethridge. He had a beautiful voice. When wesang hymns, he sang off the same book with me. By trade he was apaper-hanger. We had much serious talk together. I walked withhim on Sundays. He was a good ten years younger than I was; and,being only a journeyman, his worldly station was below mine. Mymother found out the liking that had grown up between us. Shetold my father the next time he was at home. Also my marriedsisters and my brothers. They all joined together to stop thingsfrom going further between me and Joel Dethridge. I had a hardtime of it. Mr. Bapchild expressed himself as feeling muchgrieved at the turn things were taking. He introduced me into asermon--not by name, but I knew who it was meant for. Perhaps Imight have given way if they had not done one thing. They madeinquiries of my young man's enemies, and brought wicked storiesof him to me behind his back. This, after we had sung off thesame hymn-book, and walked together, and agreed one with theother on religious subjects, was too much to bear. I was of ageto judge for myself. And I married Joel Dethridge.

3.

"My relations all turned their backs on me. Not one of them waspresent at my marriage; my brother Reuben, in particular, who ledthe rest, saying that they had done with me from that time forth.Mr. Bapchild was much moved; shed tears, and said he would prayfor me.

"I was married in London by a pastor who was a stranger; and wesettled in London with fair prospects. I had a little fortune ofmy own--my share of some money left to us girls by our auntHester, whom I was named after. It was three hundred pounds.Nearly one hundred of this I spent in buying furniture to fit upthe little house we took to live in. The rest I gave to myhusband to put into the bank against the time when he wanted itto set up in business for himself.

"For three months, more or less, we got on nicely--except in oneparticular. My husband never stirred in the matter of starting inbusiness for himself.

"He was once or twice cross with me when I said it seemed a pityto be spending the money in the bank (which might be afterwardwanted) instead of earning more in business. Good Mr. Bapchild,happening about this time to be in London, staid over Sunday, andcame to dine with us between the services. He had tried to makemy peace with my relations--but he had not succeeded. At myrequest he spoke to my husband about the necessity of exertinghimself. My husband took it ill. I then saw him seriously out oftemper for the first time. Good Mr. Bapchild said no more. Heappeared to be alarmed at what had happened, and he took hisleave early.

"Shortly afterward my husband went out. I got tea ready forhim--but he never came back. I got supper ready for him--but henever came back. It was past twelve at night before I saw himagain. I was very much startled by the state he came home in. Hedidn't speak like himself, or look like himself: he didn't seemto know me--wandered in his mind, and fell all in a lump like onour bed. I ran out and fetched the doctor to him.

"The doctor pulled him up to the light, and looked at him;smelled his breath, and dropped him down again on the bed; turnedabout, and stared at me. 'What's the matter, Sir?' I says. 'Doyou mean to tell me you don't know?' says the doctor. 'No, Sir,'says I. 'Why what sort of a woman are you,' says he, 'not to knowa drunken man when you see him!' With that he went away, and leftme standing by the bedside, all in a tremble from head to foot.

"This was how I first found out that I was the wifeof a drunken man.

4.

"I have omitted to say any thing about my husband's family.

"While we were keeping company together he told me he was anorphan--with an uncle and aunt in Canada, and an only brothersettled in Scotland. Before we were married he gave me a letterfrom this brother. It was to say that he was sorry he was notable to come to England, and be present at my marriage, and towish me joy and the rest of it. Good Mr. Bapchild (to whom, in mydistress, I wrote word privately of what had happened) wrote backin return, telling me to wait a little, and see whether myhusband did it again.

"I had not long to wait. He was in liquor again the next day, andthe next. Hearing this, Mr. Bapchild instructed me to send himthe letter from my husband's brother. He reminded me of some ofthe stories about my husband which I had refused to believe inthe time before I was married; and he said it might be well tomake inquiries.

"The end of the inquiries was this. The brother, at that verytime, was placed privately (by his own request) under a doctor'scare to get broken of habits of drinking. The craving for strongliquor (the doctor wrote) was in the family. They would be sobersometimes for months together, drinking nothing stronger thantea. Then the fit would seize them; and they would drink, drink,drink, for days together, like the mad and miserable wretchesthat they were.

"This was the husband I was married to. And I had offended all myrelations, and estranged them from me, for his sake. Here wassurely a sad prospect for a woman after only a few months ofwedded life!

"In a year's time the money in the bank was gone; and my husbandwas out of employment. He always got work--being a first-ratehand when he was sober--and always lost it again when thedrinking-fit seized him. I was loth to leave our nice littlehouse, and part with my pretty furniture; and I proposed to himto let me try for employment, by the day, as cook, and so keepthings going while he was looking out again for work. He wassober and penitent at the time; and he agreed to what I proposed.And, more than that, he took the Total Abstinence Pledge, andpromised to turn over a new leaf. Matters, as I thought, began tolook fairly again. We had nobody but our two selves to think of.I had borne no child, and had no prospect of bearing one. Unlikemost women, I thought this a mercy instead of a misfortune. In mysituation (as I soon grew to know) my becoming a mother wouldonly have proved to be an aggravation of my hard lot.

"The sort of employment I wanted was not to be got in a day. GoodMr. Bapchild gave me a character; and our landlord, a worthy man(belonging, I am sorry to say, to the Popish Church), spoke forme to the steward of a club. Still, it took time to persuadepeople that I was the thorough good cook I claimed to be. Nigh ona fortnight had passed before I got the chance I had been lookingout for. I went home in good spirits (for me) to report what hadhappened, and found the brokers in the house carrying off thefurniture which I had bought with my own money for sale byauction. I asked them how they dared touch it without my leave.They answered, civilly enough I must own, that they were actingunder my husband's orders; and they went on removing it before myown eyes, to the cart outside. I ran up stairs, and found myhusband on the landing. He was in liquor again. It is useless tosay what passed between us. I shall only mention that this wasthe first occasion on which he lifted his fist, and struck me.

5.

"Having a spirit of my own, I was resolved not to endure it. Iran out to the Police Court, hard by.

"My money had not only bought the furniture--it had kept thehouse going as well; paying the taxes which the Queen and theParliament asked for among other things. I now went to themagistrate to see what the Queen and the Parliament, in returnfor the taxes, would do for _me._

" 'Is your furniture settled on yourself?' he says, when I toldhim what had happened.

"I didn't understand what he meant. He turned to some person whowas sitting on the bench with him. 'This is a hard case,' hesays. 'Poor people in this condition of life don't even know whata marriage settlement means. And, if they did, how many of themcould afford to pay the lawyer's charges?' Upon that he turned tome. 'Yours is a common case,' he said. 'In the present state ofthe law I can do nothing for you.'

"It was impossible to believe that. Common or not, I put my caseto him over again.

" 'I have bought the furniture with my own money, Sir,' I says.'It's mine, honestly come by, with bill and receipt to prove it.They are taking it away from me by force, to sell it against mywill. Don't tell me that's the law. This is a Christian country.It can't be.'

" 'My good creature,' says he, 'you are a married woman. The lawdoesn't allow a married woman to call any thing her own--unlessshe has previously (with a lawyer's help) made a bargain to thateffect with her husband before marrying him. You have made nobargain. Your husband has a right to sell your furniture if helikes. I am sorry for you; I can't hinder him.'

"I was obstinate about it. 'Please to answer me this, Sir,' Isays. 'I've been told by wiser heads than mine that we all payour taxes to keep the Queen and the Parliament going; and thatthe Queen and the Parliament make laws to protect us in return. Ihave paid my taxes. Why, if you please, is there no law toprotect me in return?'

" 'I can't enter into that,' says he. 'I must take the law as Ifind it; and so must you. I see a mark there on the side of yourface. Has your husband been beating you? If he has, summon himhere I can punish him for _that._'

" 'How can you punish him, Sir?' says I.

" 'I can fine him,' says he. 'Or I can send him to prison.'

" 'As to the fine,' says I, 'he can pay that out of the money hegets by selling my furniture. As to the prison, while he's in it,what's to become of me, with my money spent by him, and mypossessions gone; and when he's _out_ of it, what's to become ofme again, with a husband whom I have been the means of punishing,and who comes home to his wife knowing it? It's bad enough as itis, Sir,' says I. 'There's more that's bruised in me than whatshows in my face. I wish you good-morning.'

6.

"When I got back the furniture was gone, and my husband was gone.There was nobody but the landlord in the empty house. He said allthat could be said--kindly enough toward me, so far as I wasconcerned. When he was gone I locked my trunk, and got away in acab after dark, and found a lodging to lay my head in. If everthere was a lonely, broken-hearted creature in the world, I wasthat creature that night.

"There was but one chance of earning my bread--to go to theemployment offered me (under a man cook, at a club). And therewas but one hope--the hope that I had lost sight of my husbandforever.

"I went to my work--and prospered in it--and earned my firstquarter's wages. But it's not good for a woman to be situated asI was; friendless and alone, with her things that she took apride in sold away from her, and with nothing to look forward toin her life to come. I was regular in my attendance at chapel;but I think my heart began to get hardened, and my mind to beovercast in secret with its own thoughts about this time. Therewas a change coming. Two or three days after I had earned thewages just mentioned my husband found me out. The furniture-moneywas all spent. He made a disturbance at the club, I was only ableto quiet him by giving him all the money I could spare from myown necessities. The scandal was brought before the committee.They said, if the circumstance occurred again, they should beobliged to part with me. In a fortnight the circumstance occurredagain. It's useless to dwell on it. They all said they were sorryfor me. I lost the place. My husband went back with me to mylodgings. The next morning I caught him taking my purse, with thefew shillings I had in it, out of my trunk, which he had brokenopen. We quarreled. And he struck me again--this time knocking medown.

"Iwent once more to the police court, and told my story--toanother magistrate this time. My only petition was to have myhusband kept away from me. 'I don't want to be a burden onothers' (I says) 'I don't want to do any thing but what's right.I don't even complain of having been very cruelly used. All I askis to be let to earn an honest living. Will the law protect me inthe effort to do that?'

"The answer, in substance, was that the law might protect me,provided I had money to spend in asking some higher court togrant me a separation. After allowing my husband to rob me openlyof the only property I possessed--namely, my furniture--the lawturned round on me when I called upon it in my distress, and heldout its hand to be paid. I had just three and sixpence left inthe world--and the prospect, if I earned more, of my husbandcoming (with permission of the law) and taking it away from me.There was only one chance--namely, to get time to turn round in,and to escape him again. I got a month's freedom from him, bycharging him with knocking me down. The magistrate (happening tobe young, and new to his business) sent him to prison, instead offining him. This gave me time to get a character from the club,as well as a special testimonial from good Mr. Bapchild. With thehelp of these, I obtained a place in a private family--a place inthe country, this time.

"I found myself now in a haven of peace. I was among worthykind-hearted people, who felt for my distresses, and treated memost indulgently. Indeed, through all my troubles, I must say Ihave found one thing hold good. In my experience, I have observedthat people are oftener quick than not to feel a human compassionfor others in distress. Also, that they mostly see plain enoughwhat's hard and cruel and unfair on them in the governing of thecountry which they help to keep going. But once ask them to geton from sitting down and grumbling about it, to rising up andsetting it right, and what do you find them? As helpless as aflock of sheep--that's what you find them.

"More than six months passed, and I saved a little money again.

"One night, just as we were going to bed, there was a loud ringat the bell. The footman answered the door--and I heard myhusband's voice in the hall. He had traced me, with the help of aman he knew in the police; and he had come to claim his rights. Ioffered him all the little money I had, to let me be. My goodmaster spoke to him. It was all useless. He was obstinate andsavage. If--instead of my running off from him--it had been allthe other way and he had run off from me, something might havebeen done (as I understood) to protect me. But he stuck to hiswife. As long as I could make a farthing, he stuck to his wife.Being married to him, I had no right to have left him; I wasbound to go with my husband; there was no escape for me. I badethem good-by. And I have never forgotten their kindness to mefrom that day to this.

"My husband took me back to London.

"As long as the money lasted, the drinking went on. When it wasgone, I was beaten again. Where was the remedy? There was noremedy, but to try and escape him once more. Why didn't I havehim locked up? What was the good of having him locked up? In afew weeks he would be out of prison; sober and penitent, andpromising amendment--and then when the fit took him, there hewould be, the same furious savage that be had been often andoften before. My heart got hard under the hopelessness of it; anddark thoughts beset me, mostly at night. About this time I beganto say to myself, 'There's no deliverance from this, but indeath--his death or mine.'

"Once or twice I went down to the bridges after dark and lookedover at the river. No. I wasn't the sort of woman who ends herown wretchedness in that way. Your blood must be in a fever, andyour head in a flame--at least I fancy so--you must be hurriedinto it, like, to go and make away with yourself. My troublesnever took that effect on me. I always turned cold under theminstead of hot. Bad for me, I dare say; but what you are--youare. Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots?

"I got away from him once more, and found good employment oncemore. It don't matter how, and it don't matter where. My story isalways the same thing, over and over again. Best get to the end.

"There was one change, however, this time. My employment was notin a private family. I was also allowed to teach cookery to youngwomen, in my leisure hours. What with this, and what with alonger time passing on the present occasion before my husbandfound me out, I was as comfortably off as in my position I couldhope to be. When my work was done, I went away at night to sleepin a lodging of my own. It was only a bedroom; and I furnished itmyself--partly for the sake of economy (the rent being not halfas much as for a furnished room); and partly for the sake ofcleanliness. Through all my troubles I always liked things neatabout me--neat and shapely and good.

"Well, it's needless to say how it ended. He found me outagain--this time by a chance meeting with me in the street.

"He was in rags, and half starved. But that didn't matter now.All he had to do was to put his hand into my pocket and take whathe wanted. There is no limit, in England, to what a bad husbandmay do--as long as he sticks to his wife. On the presentoccasion, he was cunning enough to see that he would be the loserif he disturbed me in my employment. For a while things went onas smoothly as they could. I made a pretense that the work washarder than usual; and I got leave (loathing the sight of him, Ihonestly own) to sleep at the place where I was employed. Thiswas not for long. The fit took him again, in due course; and hecame and made a disturbance. As before, this was not to be borneby decent people. As before, they were sorry to part with me. Asbefore, I lost my place.

"Another woman would have gone mad under it. I fancy it justmissed, by a hair's breadth, maddening Me.

"When I looked at him that night, deep in his drunken sleep, Ithought of Jael and Sisera (see the book of Judges; chapter 4th;verses 17 to 21). It says, she 'took a nail of the tent, and tooka hammer in her hand, and went softly unto him, and smote thenail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for hewas fast asleep and weary. So he died.' She did this deed todeliver her nation from Sisera. If there had been a hammer and anail in the room that night, I think I should have beenJael--with this difference, that I should have done it to delivermyself.

"With the morning this passed off, for the time. I went and spoketo a lawyer.

"Most people, in my place, would have had enough of the lawalready. But I was one of the sort who drain the cup to thedregs. What I said to him was, in substance, this. 'I come to askyour advice about a madman. Mad people, as I understand it, arepeople who have lost control over their own minds. Sometimes thisleads them to entertaining delusions; and sometimes it leads themto committing actions hurtful to others or to themselves. Myhusband has lost all control over his own craving for strongdrink. He requires to be kept from liquor, as other madmenrequire to be kept from attempting their own lives, or the livesof those about them. It's a frenzy beyond his own control, with_him_--just as it's a frenzy beyond their own control, with_them._ There are Asylums for mad people, all over the country,at the public disposal, on certain conditions. If I fulfill thoseconditions, will the law deliver me from the misery of beingmarried to a madman, whose madness is drink?'--'No,' says thelawyer. 'The law of England declines to consider an incurabledrunkard as a fit object for restraint, the law of England leavesthe husbands and wives of such people in a perfectly helplesssituation, to deal with their own misery as they best can.'

"I made my acknowledgments to the gentleman and left him. Thelast chance was this chance--and this had failed me.

7.

"The thought that had once found its way into my mind already,now found its way back again, and never altogether left me fromthat time forth. No deliverance for me but in death--his death,or mine.

"I had it before me night and day; in chapel and out of chapeljust the same. I read the story of Jael and Sisera so often thatthe Bible got to open of itself at that place.

"The laws of my country, which ought to have protected me as anhonest woman, left me helpless. In place of the laws I had nofriend near to open my heart to. I was shut up in myself. And Iwas married to that man. Consider me as a human creature, andsay, Was this not trying my humanity very hardly?

"I wrote to good Mr. Bapchild. Not going into particulars; onlytelling him I was beset by temptation, and begging him to comeand help me. He was confined to his bed by illness; he could onlywrite me a letter of good advice. To profit by good advice peoplemust have a glimpse of happiness to look forward to as a rewardfor exerting themselves. Religion itself is obliged to hold out areward, and to say to us poor mortals, Be good, and you shall goto Heaven. I had no glimpse of happiness. I was thankful (in adull sort of way) to good Mr. Bapchild--and there it ended.

"The time had been when a word from my old pastor would have putme in the right way again. I began to feel scared by myself. Ifthe next ill usage I received from Joel Dethridge found me anunchanged woman, it was borne in strongly on my mind that Ishould be as likely as not to get my deliverance from him by myown hand.

"Goaded to it, by the fear of this, I humbled myself before myrelations for the first time. I wrote to beg their pardon; to ownthat they had proved to be right in their opinion of my husband;and to entreat them to be friends with me again, so far as to letme visit them from time to time. My notion was, that it mightsoften my heart if I could see the old place, and talk the oldtalk, and look again at the well-remembered faces. I am almostashamed to own it--but, if I had had any thing to give, I wouldhave parted with it all, to be allowed to go back into mother'skitchen and cook the Sunday dinner for them once more.

"But this was not to be. Not long before my letter was receivedmother had died. They laid it all at my door. She had been ailingfor years past, and the doctors had said it was hopeless from thefirst--but they laid it all at my door. One of my sisters wroteto say that much, in as few words as could possibly suffice forsaying it. My father never answered my letter at all.

8.

"Magistrates and lawyers; relations and friends; endurance ofinjuries, patience, hope, and honest work--I had tried all these,and tried them vainly. Look round me where I might, the prospectwas closed on all sides.

"At this time my husband had got a little work to do. He camehome out of temper one night, and I gave him a warning. 'Don'ttry me too far, Joel, for your own sake,' was all I said. It wasone of his sober days; and, for the first time, a word from meseemed to have an effect on him. He looked hard at me for aminute or so. And then he went and sat down in a corner, and heldhis peace.

"This was on a Tuesday in the week. On the Saturday he got paid,and the drinking fit took him again.

"On Friday in the next week I happened to come back late--havinghad a good stroke of work to do that day, in the way of cooking apublic dinner for a tavern-keeper who knew me. I found my husbandgone, and the bedroom stripped of the furniture which I had putinto it. For the second time he had robbed me of my own property,and had turned it into money to be spent in drink.

"I didn't say a word. I stood and looked round the empty room.What was going on in me I hardly knew myself at the time, andcan't describe now. All I remember is, that, after a little, Iturned about to leave the house. I knew the places where thyhusband was likely to be found; and the devil possessed me to goand find him. The landlady came out into the passage and tried tostop me. She was a bigger and a stronger woman than I was. But Ishook her off like a child. Thinking over it now, I believe shewas in no condition to put out her strength. The sight of mefrightened her.

"I found him. I said--well, I said what a woman beside herselfwith fury would be likely to say. It's needless to tell how itended. He knocked me down.

"After that, there is a spot of darkness like in my memory. Thenext thing I can call to mind, is coming back to my senses aftersome days. Three of my teeth were knocked out--but that was notthe worst of it. My head had struck against something in falling,and some part of me (a nerve, I think they said) was injured insuch a way as to affect my speech. I don't mean that I wasdownright dumb--I only mean that, all of a sudden, it had becomea labor to me to speak. A long word was as serious an obstacle asif I was a child again. They took me to the hospital. When themedical gentlemen heard what it was, the medical gentlemen camecrowding round me. I appeared to lay hold of their interest, justas a story-book lays hold of the interest of other people. Theupshot of it was, that I might end in being dumb, or I might getmy speech again--the chances were about equal. Only two thingswere needful. One of them was that I should live on goodnourishing diet. The other was, that I should keep my mind easy.

"About the diet it was not possible to decide. My getting goodnourishing food and drink depended on my getting money to buy thesame. As to my mind, there was no difficulty about _that._ If myhusband came back to me, my mind was made up to kill him.

"Horrid--I am well aware this is horrid. Nobody else, in myplace, would have ended as wickedly as that. All the other womenin the world, tried as I was, would have risen superior to thetrial.

9.

"I have said that people (excepting my husband and my relations)were almost always good to me.

"The landlord of the house which we had taken when we weremarried heard of my sad case. He gave me one of his empty housesto look after, and a little weekly allowance for doing it. Someof the furniture in the upper rooms, not being wanted by the lasttenant, was left to be taken at a valuation if the next tenantneeded it. Two of the servants' bedrooms (in the attics), onenext to the other, had all that was wanted in them. So I had aroof to cover me, and a choice of beds to lie on, and money toget me food. All well again--but all too late. If that housecould speak, what tales that house would have to tell of me!

"I had been told by the doctors to exercise my speech. Being allalone, with nobody to speak to, except when the landlord droppedin, or when the servant next door said, 'Nice day, ain't it?' or,'Don't you feel lonely?' or such like, I bought the newspaper,and read it out loud to myself to exercise my speech in that way.One day I came upon a bit about the wives of drunken husbands. Itwas a report of something said on that subject by a Londoncoroner, who had held inquests on dead husbands (in the lowerranks of life), and who had his reasons for suspecting the wives.Examination of the body (he said) didn't prove it; and witnessesdidn't prove it; but he thought it, nevertheless, quite possible,in some cases, that, when the woman could bear it no longer, shesometimes took a damp towel, and waited till the husband (druggedwith his own liquor) was sunk in his sleep, and then put thetowel over his nose and mouth, and ended it that way without anybody being the wiser. I laid down the newspaper; and fell intothinking. My mind was, by this time, in a prophetic way. I saidto myself 'I haven't happened on this for nothing: this meansthat I shall see my husband again.'

"It was then just after my dinner-time--two o'clock. That samenight, at the moment when I had put out my candle, and laid medown in bed, I heard a knock at the street door. Before I had litmy candle I says to myself, 'Here he is.'

"I huddled on a few things, and struck a light, and went downstairs. I called out through the door, 'Who's there?' And hisvoice answered, 'Let me in.'

"I sat down on a chair in the passage, and shook all over like aperson struckwith palsy. Not from the fear of him--but from my mind being inthe prophetic way. I knew I was going to be driven to it at last.Try as I might to keep from doing it, my mind told me I was to doit now. I sat shaking on the chair in the passage; I on one sideof the door, and he on the other.

"He knocked again, and again, and again. I knew it was uselessto try--and yet I resolved to try. I determined not to let him intill I was forced to it. I determined to let him alarm theneighborhood, and to see if the neighborhood would step betweenus. I went up stairs and waited at the open staircase window overthe door.

"The policeman came up, and the neighbors came out. They were allfor giving him into custody. The policeman laid hands on him. Hehad but one word to say; he had only to point up to me at thewindow, and to tell them I was his wife. The neighbors wentindoors again. The policeman dropped hold of his arm. It was Iwho was in the wrong, and not he. I was bound to let my husbandin. I went down stairs again, and let him in.

"Nothing passed between us that night. I threw open the door ofthe bedroom next to mine, and went and locked myself into my ownroom. He was dead beat with roaming the streets, without a pennyin his pocket, all day long. The bed to lie on was all he wantedfor that night.

"The next morning I tried again--tried to turn back on the waythat I was doomed to go; knowing beforehand that it would be ofno use. I offered him three parts of my poor weekly earnings, tobe paid to him regularly at the landlord's office, if he wouldonly keep away from me, and from the house. He laughed in myface. As my husband, he could take all my earnings if he chose.And as for leaving the house, the house offered him free quartersto live in as long as I was employed to look after it. Thelandlord couldn't part man and wife.

"I said no more. Later in the day the landlord came. He said ifwe could make it out to live together peaceably he had neitherthe right nor the wish to interfere. If we made any disturbances,then he should be obliged to provide himself with some otherwoman to look after the house. I had nowhere else to go, and noother employment to undertake. If, in spite of that, I had put onmy bonnet and walked out, my husband would have walked out afterme. And all decent people would have patted him on the back, andsaid, 'Quite right, good man--quite right.'

"So there he was by his own act, and with the approval of others,in the same house with me.

"I made no remark to him or to the landlord. Nothing roused menow. I knew what was coming; I waited for the end. There was somechange visible in me to others, as I suppose, though notnoticeable by myself, which first surprised my husband and thendaunted him. When the next night came I heard him lock the doorsoftly in his own room. It didn't matter to me. When the time wasripe ten thousand locks wouldn't lock out what was to come.

"The next day, bringing my weekly payment, brought me a stepnearer on the way to the end. Getting the money, he could get thedrink. This time he began cunningly--in other words, he began hisdrinking by slow degrees. The landlord (bent, honest man, ontrying to keep the peace between us) had given him some odd jobsto do, in the way of small repairs, here and there about thehouse. 'You owe this,' he says, 'to my desire to do a good turnto your poor wife. I am helping you for her sake. Show yourselfworthy to be helped, if you can.'

"He said, as usual, that he was going to turn over a new leaf.Too late! The time had gone by. He was doomed, and I was doomed.It didn't matter what he said now. It didn't matter when helocked his door again the last thing at night.

"The next day was Sunday. Nothing happened. I went to chapel.Mere habit. It did me no good. He got on a little with thedrinking--but still cunningly, by slow degrees. I knew byexperience that this meant a long fit, and a bad one, to come.

"Monday, there were the odd jobs about the house to be begun. Hewas by this time just sober enough to do his work, and just tipsyenough to take a spiteful pleasure in persecuting his wife. Hewent out and got the things he wanted, and came back and calledfor me. A skilled workman like he was (he said) wanted ajourneyman under him. There were things which it was beneath askilled workman to do for himself. He was not going to call in aman or a boy, and then have to pay them. He was going to get itdone for nothing, and he meant to make a journeyman of _me._ Halftipsy and half sober, he went on talking like that, and layingout his things, all quite right, as he wanted them. When theywere ready he straightened himself up, and he gave me his orderswhat I was to do.

"I obeyed him to the best of my ability. Whatever he said, andwhatever he did, I knew he was going as straight as man could goto his own death by my hands.

"The rats and mice were all over the house, and the placegenerally was out of repair. He ought to have begun on thekitchen-floor; but (having sentence pronounced against him) hebegan in the empty parlors on the ground-floor.

"These parlors were separated by what is called a'lath-and-plaster wall.' The rats had damaged it. At one partthey had gnawed through and spoiled the paper, at another partthey had not got so far. The landlord's orders were to spare thepaper, because he had some by him to match it. My husband beganat a place where the paper was whole. Under his directions Imixed up--I won't say what. With the help of it he got the paperloose from the wall, without injuring it in any way, in a longhanging strip. Under it was the plaster and the laths, gnawedaway in places by the rats. Though strictly a paperhanger bytrade, he could be plasterer too when he liked. I saw how he cutaway the rotten laths and ripped off the plaster; and (under hisdirections again) I mixed up the new plaster he wanted, andhanded him the new laths, and saw how he set them. I won't say aword about how this was done either.

"I have a reason for keeping silence here, which is, to my mind,a very dreadful one. In every thing that my husband made me dothat day he was showing me (blindfold) the way to kill him, sothat no living soul, in the police or out of it, could suspect meof the deed.

"We finished the job on the wall just before dark. I went to mycup of tea, and he went to his bottle of gin.

"I left him, drinking hard, to put our two bedrooms tidy for thenight. The place that his bed happened to be set in (which I hadnever remarked particularly before) seemed, in a manner ofspeaking, to force itself on my notice now.

"The head of the bedstead was set against the wall which dividedhis room from mine. From looking at the bedstead I got to lookingat the wall next. Then to wondering what it was made of. Then torapping against it with my knuckles. The sound told me there wasnothing but lath and plaster under the paper. It was the same asthe wall we had been at work on down stairs. We had cleared ourway so far through this last--in certain places where the repairswere most needed--that we had to be careful not to burst throughthe paper in the room on the other side. I found myself callingto mind the caution my husband had given me while we were at thispart of the work, word for word as he had spoken it. _'Take careyou don't find your hands in the next room.'_ That was what hehad said down in the parlor. Up in his bedroom I kept onrepeating it in my own mind--with my eyes all the while on thekey, which he had moved to the inner side of the door to lockhimself in--till the knowledge of what it meant burst on me likea flash of light. I looked at the wall, at the bedhead, at my owntwo hands--and I shivered as if it was winter time.

"Hours must have passed like minutes while I was up stairs thatnight. I lost all count of time. When my husband came up from hisdrinking, he found me in his room.

10.

"I leave the rest untold, and pass on purposely to the nextmorning.

"No mortal eyes but mine will ever see these lines. Still, thereare things a woman can't write of even to herself. I shal l onlysay this. I suffered the last and worst of many indignities at myhusband's hands--at the very time when I first saw, set plainlybefore me, the way to take his life. He went out toward noon nextday, to go his rounds among the public houses; my mind being thenstrung up to deliver myself from him, for good and all, when hecame back at night.

"The things we had used on the previous day were left in theparlor. I was all by myself in the house, free to put in practicethe lesson he had taught me. I proved myself an apt scholar.Before the lamps were lit in the street I had my own way prepared(in my bedroom and in his) for laying my own hands on him--afterhe had locked himself up for the night.

"I don't remember feeling either fear or doubt through all thosehours. I sat down to my bit of supper with no better and no worsean appetite than usual. The only change in me that I can call tomind was that I felt a singular longing to have somebody with meto keep me company. Having no friend to ask in, I went to thestreet door and stood looking at the people passing this way andthat.

"A stray dog, sniffing about, came up to me. Generally I dislikedogs and beasts of all kinds. I called this one in and gave himhis supper. He had been taught (I suppose) to sit up on hishind-legs and beg for food; at any rate, that was his way ofasking me for more. I laughed--it seems impossible when I lookback at it now, but for all that it's true--I laughed till thetears ran down my cheeks, at the little beast on his haunches,with his ears pricked up and his head on one side and his mouthwatering for the victuals. I wonder whether I was in my rightsenses? I don't know.

"When the dog had got all he could get he whined to be let out toroam the streets again.

"As I opened the door to let the creature go his ways, I saw myhusband crossing the road to come in. 'Keep out' (I says to him);'to-night, of all nights, keep out.' He was too drunk to heed me;he passed by, and blundered his way up stairs. I followed andlistened. I heard him open his door, and bang it to, and lock it.I waited a bit, and went up another stair or two. I heard himdrop down on to his bed. In a minute more he was fast asleep andsnoring.

"It had all happened as it was wanted to happen. In twominutes--without doing one single thing to bring suspicion onmyself--I could have smothered him. I went into my own room. Itook up the towel that I had laid ready. I was within an inch ofit--when there came a rush of something up into my head. I can'tsay what it was. I can only say the horrors laid hold of me andhunted me then and there out of the house.

"I put on my bonnet, and slipped the key of the street door intomy pocket. It was only half past nine--or maybe a quarter to ten.If I had any one clear notion in my head, it was the notion ofrunning away, and never allowing myself to set eyes on the houseor the husband more.

"I went up the street--and came back. I went down the street--andcame back. I tried it a third time, and went round and round andround--and came back. It was not to be done The house held mechained to it like a dog to his kennel. I couldn't keep away fromit. For the life of me, I couldn't keep away from it.

"A company of gay young men and women passed me, just as I wasgoing to let myself in again. They were in a great hurry. 'Stepout,' says one of the men; 'the theatre's close by, and we shallbe just in time for the farce.' I turned about and followed them.Having been piously brought up, I had never been inside a theatrein my life. It struck me that I might get taken, as it were, outof myself, if I saw something that was quite strange to me, andheard something which would put new thoughts into my mind.

"They went in to the pit; and I went in after them.

"The thing they called the farce had begun. Men and women came onto the stage, turn and turn about, and talked, and went offagain. Before long all the people about me in the pit werelaughing and clapping their hands. The noise they made angeredme. I don't know how to describe the state I was in. My eyeswouldn't serve me, and my ears wouldn't serve me, to see and tohear what the rest of them were seeing and hearing. There musthave been something, I fancy, in my mind that got itself betweenme and what was going on upon the stage. The play looked fairenough on the surface; but there was danger and death at thebottom of it. The players were talking and laughing to deceivethe people--with murder in their minds all the time. And nobodyknew it but me--and my tongue was tied when I tried to tell theothers. I got up, and ran out. The moment I was in the street mysteps turned back of themselves on the way to the house. I calleda cab, and told the man to drive (as far as a shilling would takeme) the opposite way. He put me down--I don't know where. Acrossthe street I saw an inscription in letters of flame over an opendoor. The man said it was a dancing-place. Dancing was as new tome as play-going. I had one more shilling left; and I paid to goin, and see what a sight of the dancing would do for me. Thelight from the ceiling poured down in this place as if it was allon fire. The crashing of the music was dreadful. The whirlinground and round of men and women in each other's arms was quitemaddening to see. I don't know what happened to me here. Thegreat blaze of light from the ceiling turned blood-red on asudden. The man standing in front of the musicians waving a sticktook the likeness of Satan, as seen in the picture in our familyBible at home. The whirling men and women went round and round,with white faces like the faces of the dead, and bodies robed inwinding-sheets. I screamed out with the terror of it; and someperson took me by the arm and put me outside the door. Thedarkness did me good: it was comforting and delicious--like acool hand laid on a hot head. I went walking on through it,without knowing where; composing my mind with the belief that Ihad lost my way, and that I should find myself miles distant fromhome when morning dawned. After some time I got too weary to goon; and I sat me down to rest on a door-step. I dozed a bit, andwoke up. When I got on my feet to go on again, I happened to turnmy head toward the door of the house. The number on it was thesame number an as ours. I looked again. And behold, it was oursteps I had been resting on. The door was our door.

"All my doubts and all my struggles dropped out of my mind when Imade that discovery. There was no mistaking what this perpetualcoming back to the house meant. Resist it as I might, it was tobe.

"I opened the street door and went up stairs, and heard himsleeping his heavy sleep, exactly as I had heard him when I wentout. I sat down on my bed and took off my bonnet, quite quiet inmyself, because I knew it was to be. I damped the towel, and putit ready, and took a turn in the room.

"It was just the dawn of day. The sparrows were chirping amongthe trees in the square hard by.

"I drew up my blind; the faint light spoke to me as if in words,'Do it now, before I get brighter, and show too much.'

"I listened. The friendly silence had a word for me too: 'Do itnow, and trust the secret to Me.'

"I waited till the church clock chimed before striking the hour.At the first stroke--without touching the lock of his door,without setting foot in his room--I had the towel over his face.Before the last stroke he had ceased struggling. When the hum ofthe bell through the morning silence was still and dead, _he_ wasstill and dead with it.

11.

"The rest of this history is counted in my mind by fourdays--Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. After that it allfades off like, and the new years come with a strange look, beingthe years of a new life.

"What about the old life first? What did I feel, in the horridquiet of the morning, when I had done it?

"I don't know what I felt. I can't remember it, or I can't tellit, I don't know which. I can write the history of the four days,and that's all.

"Wednesday.--I gave the alarm toward noon. Hours before, I hadput things straight and fit to be seen. I had only to call forhelp, and to leave the people to do as they pleased. Theneighbors came in, and then the police. They knocked, uselessly,at his door. Then they broke it open, and found him dead in hisbed.

"Not the ghost of a suspicion of me entered the mind of any one.There was no fear of human justice finding me out: my oneunutterable dread was dread of an Avenging Providence.

I had a short sleep that night, and a dream, in which I did thedeed over again. For a time my mind was busy with thoughts ofconfessing to the police, and of giving myself up. If I had notbelonged to a respectable family, I should have done it. Fromgeneration to generation there had been no stain on our goodname. It would be death to my father, and disgrace to all myfamily, if I owned what I had done, and suffered for it on thepublic scaffold. I prayed to be guided; and I had a revelation,toward morning, of what to do.

"I was commanded, in a vision, to open the Bible, and vow on itto set my guilty self apart among my innocent fellow-creaturesfrom that day forth; to live among them a separate and silentlife, to dedicate the use of my speech to the language of prayeronly, offered up in the solitude of my own chamber when no humanear could hear me. Alone, in the morning, I saw the vision, andvowed the vow. No human ear _has_ heard me from that time. Nohuman ear _will_ hear me, to the day of my death.

"Thursday.--The people came to speak to me, as usual. They foundme dumb.

"What had happened to me in the past, when my head had been hurt,and my speech affected by it, gave a likelier look to my dumbnessthan it might have borne in the case of another person. They tookme back again to the hospital. The doctors were divided inopinion. Some said the shock of what had taken place in thehouse, coming on the back of the other shock, might, for all theyknew, have done the mischief. And others said, 'She got herspeech again after the accident; there has been no new injurysince that time; the woman is shamming dumb, for some purpose ofher own.' I let them dispute it as they liked. All human talk wasnothing now to me. I had set myself apart among myfellow-creatures; I had begun my separate and silent life.

"Through all this time the sense of a coming punishment hangingover me never left my mind. I had nothing to dread from humanjustice. The judgment of an Avenging Providence--there was what Iwas waiting for.

"Friday--They held the inquest. He had been known for years pastas an inveterate drunkard, he had been seen overnight going homein liquor; he had been found locked up in his room, with the keyinside the door, and the latch of the window bolted also. Nofire-place was in this garret; nothing was disturbed or altered:nobody by human possibility could have got in. The doctorreported that he had died of congestion of the lungs; and thejury gave their verdict accordingly.

12.

"Saturday.--Marked forever in my calendar as the memorable day onwhich the judgment descended on me. Toward three o'clock in theafternoon--in the broad sunlight, under the cloudless sky, withhundreds of innocent human creatures all around me--I, HesterDethridge, saw, for the first time, the Appearance which isappointed to haunt me for the rest of my life.

"I had had a terrible night. My mind felt much as it had felt onthe evening when I had gone to the play. I went out to see whatthe air and the sunshine and the cool green of trees and grasswould do for me. The nearest place in which I could find what Iwanted was the Regent's Park. I went into one of the quiet walksin the middle of the park, where the horses and carriages are notallowed to go, and where old people can sun themselves, andchildren play, without danger.

"I sat me down to rest on a bench. Among the children near me wasa beautiful little boy, playing with a brand-new toy--a horse andwagon. While I was watching him busily plucking up the blades ofgrass and loading his wagon with them, I felt for the firsttime--what I have often and often felt since--a creeping chillcome slowly over my flesh, and then a suspicion of somethinghidden near me, which would steal out and show itself if I lookedthat way.

"There was a big tree hard by. I looked toward the tree, andwaited to see the something hidden appear from behind it.

"The Thing stole out, dark and shadowy in the pleasant sunlight.At first I saw only the dim figure of a woman. After a little itbegan to get plainer, brightening from withinoutward--brightening, brightening, brightening, till it setbefore me the vision of MY OWN SELF, repeated as if I wasstanding before a glass--the double of myself, looking at me withmy own eyes. I saw it move over the grass. I saw it stop behindthe beautiful little boy. I saw it stand and listen, as I hadstood and listened at the dawn of morning, for the chiming of thebell before the clock struck the hour. When it heard the strokeit pointed down to the boy with my own hand; and it said to me,with my own voice, 'Kill him.'

"A time passed. I don't know whether it was a minute or an hour.The heavens and the earth disappeared from before me. I sawnothing but the double of myself, with the pointing hand. I feltnothing but the longing to kill the boy.

"Then, as it seemed, the heavens and the earth rushed back uponme. I saw the people near staring in surprise at me, andwondering if I was in my right mind.

"I got, by main force, to my feet; I looked, by main force, awayfrom the beautiful boy; I escaped, by main force, from the sightof the Thing, back into the streets. I can only describe theoverpowering strength of the temptation that tried me in one way.It was like tearing the life out of me to tear myself fromkilling the boy. And what it was on this occasion it has beenever since. No remedy against it but in that torturing effort,and no quenching the after-agony but by solitude and prayer.

"The sense of a coming punishment had hung over me. And thepunishment had come. I had waited for the judgment of an AvengingProvidence. And the judgment was pronounced. With pious David Icould now say, Thy fierce wrath goeth over me; thy terrors havecut me off."

--------

Arrived at that point in the narrative, Geoffrey looked up fromthe manuscript for the first time. Some sound outside the roomhad disturbed him. Was it a sound in the passage?

He listened. There was an interval of silence. He looked backagain at the Confession, turning over the last leaves to counthow much was left of it before it came to an end.

After relating the circumstances under which the writer hadreturned to domestic service, the narrative was resumed no more.Its few remaining pages were occupied by a fragmentary journal.The brief entries referred to the various occasions on whichHester Dethridge had again and again seen the terrible apparitionof herself, and had again and again resisted the homicidal frenzyroused in her by the hideous creation of her own distemperedbrain. In the effort which that resistance cost her lay thesecret of her obstinate determination to insist on being freedfrom her work at certain times, and to make it a condition withany mistress who employed her that she should be privileged tosleep in a room of her own at night. Having counted the pagesthus filled, Geoffrey turned back to the place at which he hadleft off, to read the manuscript through to the end.

As his eyes rested on the first line the noise in thepassage--intermitted for a moment only--disturbed him again.

This time there was no doubt of what the sound implied. He heardher hurried footsteps; he heard her dreadful cry. HesterDethridge had woke in her chair in the pallor, and had discoveredthat the Confession was no longer in her own hands.

He put the manuscript into the breast-pocket of his coat. On_this_ occasion his reading had been of some use to him. Needlessto go on further with it. Needless to return to the NewgateCalendar. The problem was solved.

As he rose to his feet his heavy face brightened slowly with aterrible smile. While the woman's Conf ession was in his pocketthe woman herself was in his power. "If she wants it back," hesaid, "she must get it on my terms." With that resolution, heopened the door, and met Hester Dethridge, face to face, in thepassage.