Chapter 22 - The Major Makes Difficulties

As I opened the dining-room door the Major hastened to meet me.He looked the brightest and the youngest of living elderlygentlemen, with his smart blue frock-coat, his winning smile, hisruby ring, and his ready compliment. It was quite cheering tomeet the modern Don Juan once more.

"I don't ask after your health," said the old gentleman; "youreyes answer me, my dear lady, before I can put the question. Atyour age a long sleep is the true beauty-draught. Plenty ofbed--there is the simple secret of keeping your good looks andliving a long life--plenty of bed!"

"I have not been so long in my bed, Major, as you suppose. Totell the truth, I have been up all night, reading."

Major Fitz-David lifted his well-painted eyebrows in politesurprise.

"What is the happy book which has interested you so deeply?" heasked.

"The book," I answered, "is the Trial of my husband for themurder of his first wife."

"Don't mention that horrid book!" he exclaimed. "Don't speak ofthat dreadful subject! What have beauty and grace to do withTrials, Poisonings, Horrors? Why, my charming friend, profaneyour lips by talking of such things? Why frighten away the Lovesand the Graces that lie hid in your smile. Humor an old fellowwho adores the Loves and the Graces, and who asks nothing betterthan to sun himself in your smiles. Luncheon is ready. Let us becheerful. Let us laugh and lunch."

He led me to the table, and filled my plate and my glass with theair of a man who considered himself to be engaged in one of themost important occupations of his life. Benjamin kept theconversation going in the interval.

"Major Fitz-David brings you some news, my dear," he said. "Yourmother-in-law, Mrs. Macallan, is coming here to see you to-day."

My mother-in-law coming to see me! I turned eagerly to the Majorfor further information.

"Has Mrs. Macallan heard anything of my husband?" I asked. "Isshe coming here to tell me about him?"

"She has heard from him, I believe," said the Major, "and she hasalso heard from your uncle the vicar. Our excellent Starkweatherhas written to her--to what purpose I have not been informed. Ionly know that on receipt of his letter she has decided on payingyou a visit. I met the old lady last night at a party, and Itried hard to discover whether she were coming to you as yourfriend or your enemy. My powers of persuasion were completelythrown away on her. The fact is," said the Major, speaking in thecharacter of a youth of five-and-twenty making a modestconfession, "I don't get on well with old women. Take the willfor the deed, my sweet friend. I have tried to be of some use toyou and have failed."

Those words offered me the opportunity for which I was waiting. Idetermined not to lose it.

"You can be of the greatest use to me," I said, "if you willallow me to presume, Major, on your past kindness. I want to askyou a question; and I may have a favor to beg when you haveanswered me."

Major Fitz-David set down his wine-glass on its way to his lips,and looked at me with an appearance of breathless interest.

"Command me, my dear lady--I am yours and yours only," said thegallant old gentleman. "What do you wish to ask me?"

"I wish to ask if you know Miserrimus Dexter."

"Good Heavens!" cried the Major; "that _is_ an unexpectedquestion! Know Miserrimus Dexter? I have known him for more yearsthan I like to reckon up. What _can_ be your object--"

"I can tell you what my object is in two words," I interposed. "Iwant you to give me an introduction to Miserrimus Dexter."

My impression is that the Major turned pale under his paint.This, at any rate, is certain--his sparkling little gray eyeslooked at me in undisguised bewilderment and alarm.

"You want to know Miserrimus Dexter?" he repeated, with the airof a man who doubted the evidence of his own senses. "Mr.Benjamin, have I taken too much of your excellent wine? Am I thevictim of a delusion--or did our fair friend really ask me togive her an introduction to Miserrimus Dexter?"

Benjamin looked at me in some bewilderment on his side, andanswered, quite seriously,

"I think you said so, my dear."

"I certainly said so," I rejoined. "What is there so verysurprising in my request?"

"The man is mad!" cried the Major. "In all England you could nothave picked out a person more essentially unfit to be introducedto a lady--to a young lady especially--than Dexter. Have youheard of his horrible deformity?"

"I have heard of it--and it doesn't daunt me."

"Doesn't daunt you? My dear lady, the man's mind is as deformedas his body. What Voltaire said satirically of the character ofhis countrymen in general is literally true of Miserrimus Dexter.He is a mixture of the tiger and the monkey. At one moment hewould frighten you, and at the next he would set you screamingwith laughter. I don't deny that he is clever in somerespects--brilliantly clever, I admit. And I don't say that hehas ever committed any acts of violence, or ever willinglyinjured anybody. But, for all that, he is mad, if ever a man weremad yet. Forgive me if the inquiry is impertinent. What can yourmotive possibly be for wanting an introduction to MiserrimusDexter?"

"I want to consult him?"

"May I ask on what subject?"

"On the subject of my husband's Trial."

Major Fitz-David groaned, and sought a momentary consolation inhis friend Benjamin's claret.

"That dreadful subject again!" he exclaimed. "Mr. Benjamin, whydoes she persist in dwelling on that dreadful subject?"

"I must dwell on what is now the one employment and the one hopeof my life," I said. "I have reason to hope that MiserrimusDexter can help me to clear my husband's character of the stainwhich the Scotch Verdict has left on it. Tiger and monkey as hemay be, I am ready to run the risk of being introduced to him.And I ask you again--rashly and obstinately as I fear you willthink--to give me the introduction. It will put you to noinconvenience. I won't trouble you to escort me; a letter to Mr.Dexter will do."

The Major looked piteously at Benjamin, and shook his head.Benjamin looked piteously at the Major, and shook _his_ head.

"She appears to insist on it," said the Major.

"Yes," said Benjamin. "She appears to insist on it."

"I won't take the responsibility, Mr. Benjamin, of sending heralone to Miserrimus Dexter."

"Shall I go with her, sir?"

The Major reflected. Benjamin, in the capacity of protector, didnot appear to inspire our military friend with confidence. Aftera moment's consideration a new idea seemed to strike him. Heturned to me.

"My charming friend," he said, "be more charming thanever--consent to a compromise. Let us treat this difficulty aboutDexter from a social point of view. What do you say to a littledinner?"

"A little dinner?" I repeated, not in the least understandinghim.

"A little dinner," the Major reiterated, "at my house. You insiston my introducing you to Dexter, and I refuse to trust you alonewith th at crack-brained personage. The only alternative underthe circumstances is to invite him to meet you, and to let youform your own opinion of him--under the protection of my roof.Who shall we have to meet you besides?" pursued the Major,brightening with hospitable intentions. "We want a perfect galaxyof beauty around the table, as a species of compensation when wehave got Miserrimus Dexter as one the guests. Madame Mirlifloreis still in London. You would be sure to like her--she ischarming; she possesses your firmness, your extraordinarytenacity of purpose. Yes, we will have Madame Mirliflore. Whoelse? Shall we say Lady Clarinda? Another charming person, Mr.Benjamin! You would be sure to admire her--she is so sympathetic,she resembles in so many respects our fair friend here. Yes, LadyClarinda shall be one of us; and you shall sit next to her, Mr.Benjamin, as a proof of my sincere regard for you. Shall we havemy young prima donna to sing to us in the evening? think so. Sheis pretty; she will assist in obscuring the deformity of Dexter.Very well; there is our party complete! I will shut myself upthis evening and approach the question of dinner with my cook.Shall we say this day week," asked the Major, taking out hispocketbook, "at eight o'clock?"

I consented to the proposed compromise--but not very willingly.With a letter of introduction, I might have seen MiserrimusDexter that afternoon. As it was, the "little dinner" compelledme to wait in absolute inaction through a whole week. However,there was no help for it but to submit. Major Fitz-David, in hispolite way, could be as obstinate as I was. He had evidently madeup his mind; and further opposition on my part would be of noservice to me.

"Punctually at eight, Mr. Benjamin," reiterated the Major. "Putit down in your book."

Benjamin obeyed--with a side look at me, which I was at no lossto interpret. My good old friend did not relish meeting a man atdinner who was described as "half tiger, half monkey;" and theprivilege of sitting next to Lady Clarinda rather daunted thandelighted him. It was all my doing, and he too had no choice butto submit. "Punctually at eight, sir," said poor old Benjamin,obediently recording his formidable engagement. "Please to takeanother glass of wine."

The Major looked at his watch, and rose--with fluent apologiesfor abruptly leaving the table.

"It is later than I thought," he said. "I have an appointmentwith a friend--a female friend; a most attractive person. You alittle remind me of her, my dear lady--you resemble her incomplexion: the same creamy paleness. I adore creamy paleness. AsI was saying, I have an appointment with my friend; she does methe honor to ask my opinion on some very remarkable specimens ofold lace. I have studied old lace. I study everything that canmake me useful or agreeable to your enchanting sex. You won'tforget our little dinner? I will send Dexter his invitation themoment I get home. "He took my hand and looked at it critically,with his head a little on one side. "A delicious hand," he said;"you don't mind my looking at it--you don't mind my kissing it,do you? A delicious hand is one of my weaknesses. Forgive myweaknesses. I promise to repent and amend one of these days."

"At your age, Major, do you think you have much time to lose?"asked a strange voice, speaking behind us.

We all three looked around toward the door. There stood myhusband's mother, smiling satirically, with Benjamin's shy littlemaid-servant waiting to announce her.

Major Fitz-David was ready with his answer.

The old soldier was not easily taken by surprise.

"Age, my dear Mrs. Macallan, is a purely relative expression," hesaid. "There are some people who are never young, and there areother people who are never old. I am one of the other people. _Aurevoir!_"

With that answer the incorrigible Major kissed the tips of hisfingers to us and walked out. Benjamin, bowing with hisold-fashioned courtesy, threw open the door of his littlelibrary, and, inviting Mrs. Macallan and myself to pass in, leftus together in the room.