Chapter 115 - Luigi Vampa's Bill Of Fare

We awake from every sleep except the one dreaded byDanglars. He awoke. To a Parisian accustomed to silkencurtains, walls hung with velvet drapery, and the softperfume of burning wood, the white smoke of which diffusesitself in graceful curves around the room, the appearance ofthe whitewashed cell which greeted his eyes on awakeningseemed like the continuation of some disagreeable dream. Butin such a situation a single moment suffices to change thestrongest doubt into certainty. "Yes, yes," he murmured, "Iam in the hands of the brigands of whom Albert de Morcerfspoke." His first idea was to breathe, that he might knowwhether he was wounded. He borrowed this from "Don Quixote,"the only book he had ever read, but which he still slightlyremembered.

"No," he cried, "they have not wounded, but perhaps theyhave robbed me!" and he thrust his hands into his pockets.They were untouched; the hundred louis he had reserved forhis journey from Rome to Venice were in his trousers pocket,and in that of his great-coat he found the little note-casecontaining his letter of credit for 5,050,000 francs."Singular bandits!" he exclaimed; "they have left me mypurse and pocket-book. As I was saying last night, theyintend me to be ransomed. Hallo, here is my watch! Let mesee what time it is." Danglars' watch, one of Breguet'srepeaters, which he had carefully wound up on the previousnight, struck half past five. Without this, Danglars wouldhave been quite ignorant of the time, for daylight did notreach his cell. Should he demand an explanation from thebandits, or should he wait patiently for them to propose it?The last alternative seemed the most prudent, so he waiteduntil twelve o'clock. During all this time a sentinel, whohad been relieved at eight o'clock, had been watching hisdoor. Danglars suddenly felt a strong inclination to see theperson who kept watch over him. He had noticed that a fewrays, not of daylight, but from a lamp, penetrated throughthe ill-joined planks of the door; he approached just as thebrigand was refreshing himself with a mouthful of brandy,which, owing to the leathern bottle containing it, sentforth an odor which was extremely unpleasant to Danglars."Faugh!" he exclaimed, retreating to the farther corner ofhis cell.

At twelve this man was replaced by another functionary, andDanglars, wishing to catch sight of his new guardian,approached the door again. He was an athletic, giganticbandit, with large eyes, thick lips, and a flat nose; hisred hair fell in dishevelled masses like snakes around hisshoulders. "Ah, ha," cried Danglars, "this fellow is morelike an ogre than anything else; however, I am rather tooold and tough to be very good eating!" We see that Danglarswas collected enough to jest; at the same time, as though todisprove the ogreish propensities, the man took some blackbread, cheese, and onions from his wallet, which he begandevouring voraciously. "May I be hanged," said Danglars,glancing at the bandit's dinner through the crevices of thedoor, - "may I be hanged if I can understand how people caneat such filth!" and he withdrew to seat himself upon hisgoat-skin, which reminded him of the smell of the brandy.

But the mysteries of nature are incomprehensible, and thereare certain invitations contained in even the coarsest foodwhich appeal very irresistibly to a fasting stomach.Danglars felt his own not to be very well supplied justthen, and gradually the man appeared less ugly, the breadless black, and the cheese more fresh, while those dreadfulvulgar onions recalled to his mind certain sauces andside-dishes, which his cook prepared in a very superiormanner whenever he said, "Monsieur Deniseau, let me have anice little fricassee to-day." He got up and knocked on thedoor; the bandit raised his head. Danglars knew that he washeard, so he redoubled his blows. "Che cosa?" asked thebandit. "Come, come," said Danglars, tapping his fingersagainst the door, "I think it is quite time to think ofgiving me something to eat!" But whether he did notunderstand him, or whether he had received no ordersrespecting the nourishment of Danglars, the giant, withoutanswering, went on with his dinner. Danglars' feelings werehurt, and not wishing to put himself under obligations tothe brute, the banker threw himself down again on hisgoat-skin and did not breathe another word.

Four hours passed by and the giant was replaced by anotherbandit. Danglars, who really began to experience sundrygnawings at the stomach, arose softly, again applied his eyeto the crack of the door, and recognized the intelligentcountenance of his guide. It was, indeed, Peppino who waspreparing to mount guard as comfortably as possible byseating himself opposite to the door, and placing betweenhis legs an earthen pan, containing chick-pease stewed withbacon. Near the pan he also placed a pretty little basket ofVilletri grapes and a flask of Orvieto. Peppino wasdecidedly an epicure. Danglars watched these preparationsand his mouth watered. "Come," he said to himself, "let metry if he will be more tractable than the other;" and hetapped gently at the door. "On y va," (coming) exclaimedPeppino, who from frequenting the house of Signor Pastriniunderstood French perfectly in all its idioms.

Danglars immediately recognized him as the man who hadcalled out in such a furious manner, "Put in your head!" Butthis was not the time for recrimination, so he assumed hismost agreeable manner and said with a gracious smile, - "Excuse me, sir, but are they not going to give me anydinner?"

"Does your excellency happen to be hungry?"

"Happen to be hungry, - that's pretty good, when I haven'teaten for twenty-four hours!" muttered Danglars. Then headded aloud, "Yes, sir, I am hungry - very hungry."

"What would your excellency like?" and Peppino placed hispan on the ground, so that the steam rose directly under thenostrils of Danglars. "Give your orders."

"Have you kitchens here?"

"Kitchens? - of course - complete ones."

"And cooks?"

"Excellent!"

"Well, a fowl, fish, game, - it signifies little, so that Ieat."

"As your excellency pleases. You mentioned a fowl, I think?"

"Yes, a fowl." Peppino, turning around, shouted, "A fowl forhis excellency!" His voice yet echoed in the archway when ahandsome, graceful, and half-naked young man appeared,bearing a fowl in a silver dish on his head, without theassistance of his hands. "I could almost believe myself atthe Cafe de Paris," murmured Danglars.

"Here, your excellency," said Peppino, taking the fowl fromthe young bandit and placing it on the worm-eaten table,which with the stool and the goat-skin bed formed the entirefurniture of the cell. Danglars asked for a knife and fork."Here, excellency," said Peppino, offering him a littleblunt knife and a boxwood fork. Danglars took the knife inone hand and the fork in the other, and was about to cut upthe fowl. "Pardon me, excellency," said Peppino, placing hishand on the banker's shoulder; "people pay here before theyeat. They might not be satisfied, and" -

"Ah, ha," thought Danglars, "this is not so much like Paris,except that I shall probably be skinned! Never mind, I'llfix that all right. I have always heard how cheap poultry isin Italy; I should think a fowl is worth about twelve sousat Rome. - There," he said, throwing a louis down. Peppinopicked up the louis, and Danglars again prepared to carvethe fowl. "Stay a moment, your excellency," said Peppino,rising; "you still owe me something."

"I said they would skin me," thought Danglars; but resolvingto resist the extortion, he said, "Come, how much do I oweyou for this fowl?"

"Your excellency has given me a louis on account."

"A louis on account for a fowl?"

"Certainly; and your excellency now owes me 4,999 louis."Danglars opened his enormous eyes on hearing this giganticjoke. "Come, come, this is very droll - very amusing - Iallow; but, as I am very hungry, pray allow me to eat. Stay,here is another louis for you."

"Then that will make only 4,998 louis more," said Peppinowith the same indifference. "I shall get them all in time."

"Oh, as for that," said Danglars, angry at this prolongationof the jest, - "as for that you won't get them at all. Goto the devil! You do not know with whom you have to deal!"Peppino made a sign, and the youth hastily removed the fowl.Danglars threw himself upon his goat-skin, and Peppino,reclosing the door, again began eating his pease and bacon.Though Danglars could not see Peppino, the noise of histeeth allowed no doubt as to his occupation. He wascertainly eating, and noisily too, like an ill-bred man."Brute!" said Danglars. Peppino pretended not to hear him,and without even turning his head continued to eat slowly.Danglars' stomach felt so empty, that it seemed as if itwould be impossible ever to fill it again; still he hadpatience for another half-hour, which appeared to him like acentury. He again arose and went to the door. "Come, sir, donot keep me starving here any longer, but tell me what theywant."

"Nay, your excellency, it is you who should tell us what youwant. Give your orders, and we will execute them."

"Then open the door directly." Peppino obeyed. "Now lookhere, I want something to eat! To eat - do you hear?"

"Are you hungry?"

"Come, you understand me."

"What would your excellency like to eat?"

"A piece of dry bread, since the fowls are beyond all pricein this accursed place."

"Bread? Very well. Hallo, there, some bread!" he called. Theyouth brought a small loaf. "How much?" asked Danglars.

"Four thousand nine hundred and ninety-eight louis," saidPeppino; "You have paid two louis in advance."

"What? One hundred thousand francs for a loaf?"

"One hundred thousand francs," repeated Peppino.

"But you only asked 100,000 francs for a fowl!"

"We have a fixed price for all our provisions. It signifiesnothing whether you eat much or little - whether you haveten dishes or one - it is always the same price."

"What, still keeping up this silly jest? My dear fellow, itis perfectly ridiculous - stupid! You had better tell me atonce that you intend starving me to death."

"Oh, dear, no, your excellency, unless you intend to commitsuicide. Pay and eat."

"And what am I to pay with, brute?" said Danglars, enraged."Do you suppose I carry 100,000 francs in my pocket?"

"Your excellency has 5,050,000 francs in your pocket; thatwill be fifty fowls at 100,000 francs apiece, and half afowl for the 50,000."

Danglars shuddered. The bandage fell from his eyes, and heunderstood the joke, which he did not think quite so stupidas he had done just before. "Come," he said, "if I pay youthe 100,000 francs, will you be satisfied, and allow me toeat at my ease?"

"Certainly," said Peppino.

"But how can I pay them?"

"Oh, nothing easier; you have an account open with Messrs.Thomson & French, Via dei Banchi, Rome; give me a draft for4,998 louis on these gentlemen, and our banker shall takeit." Danglars thought it as well to comply with a goodgrace, so he took the pen, ink, and paper Peppino offeredhim, wrote the draft, and signed it. "Here," he said, "hereis a draft at sight."

"And here is your fowl." Danglars sighed while he carved thefowl; it appeared very thin for the price it had cost. Asfor Peppino, he examined the paper attentively, put it intohis pocket, and continued eating his pease.