It was a dark, wet, gloomy night in autumn, when in an upper room of amean house situated in an obscure street, or rather court, near Lambeth,there sat, all alone, a one-eyed man grotesquely habited, eitherfor lack of better garments or for purposes of disguise, in a loosegreatcoat, with arms half as long again as his own, and a capacity ofbreadth and length which would have admitted of his winding himselfin it, head and all, with the utmost ease, and without any risk ofstraining the old and greasy material of which it was composed.

So attired, and in a place so far removed from his usual haunts andoccupations, and so very poor and wretched in its character, perhaps MrsSqueers herself would have had some difficulty in recognising her lord:quickened though her natural sagacity doubtless would have been by theaffectionate yearnings and impulses of a tender wife. But Mrs Squeers'slord it was; and in a tolerably disconsolate mood Mrs Squeers's lordappeared to be, as, helping himself from a black bottle which stood onthe table beside him, he cast round the chamber a look, in which veryslight regard for the objects within view was plainly mingled with someregretful and impatient recollection of distant scenes and persons.

There were, certainly, no particular attractions, either in the roomover which the glance of Mr Squeers so discontentedly wandered, or inthe narrow street into which it might have penetrated, if he had thoughtfit to approach the window. The attic chamber in which he sat wasbare and mean; the bedstead, and such few other articles of necessaryfurniture as it contained, were of the commonest description, in a mostcrazy state, and of a most uninviting appearance. The street was muddy,dirty, and deserted. Having but one outlet, it was traversed by few butthe inhabitants at any time; and the night being one of those on whichmost people are glad to be within doors, it now presented no other signsof life than the dull glimmering of poor candles from the dirty windows,and few sounds but the pattering of the rain, and occasionally the heavyclosing of some creaking door.

Mr Squeers continued to look disconsolately about him, and to listento these noises in profound silence, broken only by the rustling of hislarge coat, as he now and then moved his arm to raise his glass tohis lips. Mr Squeers continued to do this for some time, until theincreasing gloom warned him to snuff the candle. Seeming to be slightlyroused by this exertion, he raised his eye to the ceiling, and fixing itupon some uncouth and fantastic figures, traced upon it by the wet anddamp which had penetrated through the roof, broke into the followingsoliloquy:

'Well, this is a pretty go, is this here! An uncommon pretty go! Herehave I been, a matter of how many weeks--hard upon six--a follering upthis here blessed old dowager petty larcenerer,'--Mr Squeers deliveredhimself of this epithet with great difficulty and effort,--'andDotheboys Hall a-running itself regularly to seed the while! That's theworst of ever being in with a owdacious chap like that old Nickleby. Younever know when he's done with you, and if you're in for a penny, you'rein for a pound.'

This remark, perhaps, reminded Mr Squeers that he was in for a hundredpound at any rate. His countenance relaxed, and he raised his glass tohis mouth with an air of greater enjoyment of its contents than he hadbefore evinced.

'I never see,' soliloquised Mr Squeers in continuation, 'I never seenor come across such a file as that old Nickleby. Never! He's out ofeverybody's depth, he is. He's what you may call a rasper, is Nickleby.To see how sly and cunning he grubbed on, day after day, a-worming andplodding and tracing and turning and twining of hisself about, till hefound out where this precious Mrs Peg was hid, and cleared the groundfor me to work upon. Creeping and crawling and gliding, like a ugly,old, bright-eyed, stagnation-blooded adder! Ah! He'd have made a good'un in our line, but it would have been too limited for him; his geniuswould have busted all bonds, and coming over every obstacle, broke downall before it, till it erected itself into a monneyment of--Well, I'llthink of the rest, and say it when conwenient.'

Making a halt in his reflections at this place, Mr Squeers again put hisglass to his lips, and drawing a dirty letter from his pocket, proceededto con over its contents with the air of a man who had read it veryoften, and now refreshed his memory rather in the absence of betteramusement than for any specific information.

'The pigs is well,' said Mr Squeers, 'the cows is well, and the boys isbobbish. Young Sprouter has been a-winking, has he? I'll wink him whenI get back. "Cobbey would persist in sniffing while he was a-eating hisdinner, and said that the beef was so strong it made him."--Very good,Cobbey, we'll see if we can't make you sniff a little without beef."Pitcher was took with another fever,"--of course he was--"and beingfetched by his friends, died the day after he got home,"--of course hedid, and out of aggravation; it's part of a deep-laid system. There an'tanother chap in the school but that boy as would have died exactly atthe end of the quarter: taking it out of me to the very last, and thencarrying his spite to the utmost extremity. "The juniorest Palmer saidhe wished he was in Heaven." I really don't know, I do NOT know what'sto be done with that young fellow; he's always a-wishing somethinghorrid. He said once, he wished he was a donkey, because then hewouldn't have a father as didn't love him! Pretty wicious that for achild of six!'

Mr Squeers was so much moved by the contemplation of this hardenednature in one so young, that he angrily put up the letter, and sought,in a new train of ideas, a subject of consolation.

'It's a long time to have been a-lingering in London,' he said; 'andthis is a precious hole to come and live in, even if it has been onlyfor a week or so. Still, one hundred pound is five boys, and five boystakes a whole year to pay one hundred pounds, and there's their keep tobe substracted, besides. There's nothing lost, neither, by one's beinghere; because the boys' money comes in just the same as if I was athome, and Mrs Squeers she keeps them in order. There'll be some losttime to make up, of course. There'll be an arrear of flogging as'll haveto be gone through: still, a couple of days makes that all right, andone don't mind a little extra work for one hundred pound. It's prettynigh the time to wait upon the old woman. From what she said last night,I suspect that if I'm to succeed at all, I shall succeed tonight; soI'll have half a glass more, to wish myself success, and put myself inspirits. Mrs Squeers, my dear, your health!'

Leering with his one eye as if the lady to whom he drank had beenactually present, Mr Squeers--in his enthusiasm, no doubt--poured outa full glass, and emptied it; and as the liquor was raw spirits, and hehad applied himself to the same bottle more than once already, it is notsurprising that he found himself, by this time, in an extremely cheerfulstate, and quite enough excited for his purpose.

What this purpose was soon appeared; for, after a few turns about theroom to steady himself, he took the bottle under his arm and the glassin his hand, and blowing out the candle as if he purposed being gonesome time, stole out upon the staircase, and creeping softly to a dooropposite his own, tapped gently at it.

'But what's the use of tapping?' he said, 'She'll never hear. I supposeshe isn't doing anything very particular; and if she is, it don't muchmatter, that I see.'

With this brief preface, Mr Squeers applied his hand to the latch of thedoor, and thrusting his head into a garret far more deplorable thanthat he had just left, and seeing that there was nobody there but an oldwoman, who was bending over a wretched fire (for although the weatherwas still warm, the evening was chilly), walked in, and tapped her onthe shoulder.

'Well, my Slider,' said Mr Squeers, jocularly.

'Is that you?' inquired Peg.

'Ah! it's me, and me's the first person singular, nominative case,agreeing with the verb "it's", and governed by Squeers understood, as aacorn, a hour; but when the h is sounded, the a only is to be used, asa and, a art, a ighway,' replied Mr Squeers, quoting at random from thegrammar. 'At least, if it isn't, you don't know any better, and if itis, I've done it accidentally.'

Delivering this reply in his accustomed tone of voice, in which ofcourse it was inaudible to Peg, Mr Squeers drew a stool to the fire, andplacing himself over against her, and the bottle and glass on the floorbetween them, roared out again, very loud,

'Well, my Slider!'

'I hear you,' said Peg, receiving him very graciously.

'I've come according to promise,' roared Squeers.

'So they used to say in that part of the country I come from,' observedPeg, complacently, 'but I think oil's better.'

'Better than what?' roared Squeers, adding some rather strong languagein an undertone.

'No,' said Peg, 'of course not.'

'I never saw such a monster as you are!' muttered Squeers, looking asamiable as he possibly could the while; for Peg's eye was upon him,and she was chuckling fearfully, as though in delight at having made achoice repartee, 'Do you see this? This is a bottle.'

'I see it,' answered Peg.

'Well, and do you see THIS?' bawled Squeers. 'This is a glass.' Peg sawthat too.

'See here, then,' said Squeers, accompanying his remarks withappropriate action, 'I fill the glass from the bottle, and I say "Yourhealth, Slider," and empty it; then I rinse it genteelly with a littledrop, which I'm forced to throw into the fire--hallo! we shall have thechimbley alight next--fill it again, and hand it over to you.'

'YOUR health,' said Peg.

'She understands that, anyways,' muttered Squeers, watching MrsSliderskew as she dispatched her portion, and choked and gasped in amost awful manner after so doing. 'Now then, let's have a talk. How'sthe rheumatics?'

Mrs Sliderskew, with much blinking and chuckling, and with looksexpressive of her strong admiration of Mr Squeers, his person, manners,and conversation, replied that the rheumatics were better.

'What's the reason,' said Mr Squeers, deriving fresh facetiousness fromthe bottle; 'what's the reason of rheumatics? What do they mean? What dopeople have'em for--eh?'

Mrs Sliderskew didn't know, but suggested that it was possibly becausethey couldn't help it.

'Measles, rheumatics, hooping-cough, fevers, agers, and lumbagers,' saidMr Squeers, 'is all philosophy together; that's what it is. The heavenlybodies is philosophy, and the earthly bodies is philosophy. If there's ascrew loose in a heavenly body, that's philosophy; and if there'sscrew loose in a earthly body, that's philosophy too; or it may be thatsometimes there's a little metaphysics in it, but that's not often.Philosophy's the chap for me. If a parent asks a question in theclassical, commercial, or mathematical line, says I, gravely, "Why, sir,in the first place, are you a philosopher?"--"No, Mr Squeers," he says,"I an't." "Then, sir," says I, "I am sorry for you, for I shan't beable to explain it." Naturally, the parent goes away and wishes he was aphilosopher, and, equally naturally, thinks I'm one.'

Saying this, and a great deal more, with tipsy profundity and aserio-comic air, and keeping his eye all the time on Mrs Sliderskew, whowas unable to hear one word, Mr Squeers concluded by helping himself andpassing the bottle: to which Peg did becoming reverence.

'That's the time of day!' said Mr Squeers. 'You look twenty pound tenbetter than you did.'

Again Mrs Sliderskew chuckled, but modesty forbade her assentingverbally to the compliment.

'Twenty pound ten better,' repeated Mr Squeers, 'than you did that daywhen I first introduced myself. Don't you know?'

'Ah!' said Peg, shaking her head, 'but you frightened me that day.'

'Did I?' said Squeers; 'well, it was rather a startling thing for astranger to come and recommend himself by saying that he knew all aboutyou, and what your name was, and why you were living so quiet here, andwhat you had boned, and who you boned it from, wasn't it?'

Peg nodded her head in strong assent.

'But I know everything that happens in that way, you see,' continuedSqueers. 'Nothing takes place, of that kind, that I an't up toentirely. I'm a sort of a lawyer, Slider, of first-rate standing, andunderstanding too; I'm the intimate friend and confidential adwiserof pretty nigh every man, woman, and child that gets themselves intodifficulties by being too nimble with their fingers, I'm--'

Mr Squeers's catalogue of his own merits and accomplishments, whichwas partly the result of a concerted plan between himself and RalphNickleby, and flowed, in part, from the black bottle, was hereinterrupted by Mrs Sliderskew.

'Ha, ha, ha!' she cried, folding her arms and wagging her head; 'and sohe wasn't married after all, wasn't he. Not married after all?'

'No,' replied Squeers, 'that he wasn't!'

'And a young lover come and carried off the bride, eh?' said Peg.

'From under his very nose,' replied Squeers; 'and I'm told the youngchap cut up rough besides, and broke the winders, and forced him toswaller his wedding favour which nearly choked him.'

'Tell me all about it again,' cried Peg, with a malicious relish of herold master's defeat, which made her natural hideousness something quitefearful; 'let's hear it all again, beginning at the beginning now, asif you'd never told me. Let's have it every word--now--now--beginning atthe very first, you know, when he went to the house that morning!'

Mr Squeers, plying Mrs Sliderskew freely with the liquor, and sustaininghimself under the exertion of speaking so loud by frequent applicationsto it himself, complied with this request by describing the discomfitureof Arthur Gride, with such improvements on the truth as happened tooccur to him, and the ingenious invention and application of whichhad been very instrumental in recommending him to her notice in thebeginning of their acquaintance. Mrs Sliderskew was in an ecstasy ofdelight, rolling her head about, drawing up her skinny shoulders, andwrinkling her cadaverous face into so many and such complicated forms ofugliness, as awakened the unbounded astonishment and disgust even of MrSqueers.

'He's a treacherous old goat,' said Peg, 'and cozened me with cunningtricks and lying promises, but never mind. I'm even with him. I'm evenwith him.'

'More than even, Slider,' returned Squeers; 'you'd have been even withhim if he'd got married; but with the disappointment besides, you'rea long way ahead. Out of sight, Slider, quite out of sight. And thatreminds me,' he added, handing her the glass, 'if you want me to giveyou my opinion of them deeds, and tell you what you'd better keep andwhat you'd better burn, why, now's your time, Slider.'

'There an't no hurry for that,' said Peg, with several knowing looks andwinks.

'Oh! very well!' observed Squeers, 'it don't matter to me; you askedme, you know. I shouldn't charge you nothing, being a friend. You're thebest judge of course. But you're a bold woman, Slider.'

'How do you mean, bold?' said Peg.

'Why, I only mean that if it was me, I wouldn't keep papers as mighthang me, littering about when they might be turned into money--them aswasn't useful made away with, and them as was, laid by somewheres, safe;that's all,' returned Squeers; 'but everybody's the best judge of theirown affairs. All I say is, Slider, I wouldn't do it.'

'Come,' said Peg, 'then you shall see 'em.'

'I don't want to see 'em,' replied Squeers, affecting to be out ofhumour; 'don't talk as if it was a treat. Show 'em to somebody else, andtake their advice.'

Mr Squeers would, very likely, have carried on the farce of beingoffended a little longer, if Mrs Sliderskew, in her anxiety to restoreherself to her former high position in his good graces, had not becomeso extremely affectionate that he stood at some risk of being smotheredby her caresses. Repressing, with as good a grace as possible, theselittle familiarities--for which, there is reason to believe, the blackbottle was at least as much to blame as any constitutional infirmity onthe part of Mrs Sliderskew--he protested that he had only been joking:and, in proof of his unimpaired good-humour, that he was ready toexamine the deeds at once, if, by so doing, he could afford anysatisfaction or relief of mind to his fair friend.

'And now you're up, my Slider,' bawled Squeers, as she rose to fetchthem, 'bolt the door.'

Peg trotted to the door, and after fumbling at the bolt, crept to theother end of the room, and from beneath the coals which filled thebottom of the cupboard, drew forth a small deal box. Having placed thison the floor at Squeers's feet, she brought, from under the pillow ofher bed, a small key, with which she signed to that gentleman to openit. Mr Squeers, who had eagerly followed her every motion, lost no timein obeying this hint: and, throwing back the lid, gazed with rapture onthe documents which lay within.

'Now you see,' said Peg, kneeling down on the floor beside him, andstaying his impatient hand; 'what's of no use we'll burn; what we canget any money by, we'll keep; and if there's any we could get him intotrouble by, and fret and waste away his heart to shreds, those we'lltake particular care of; for that's what I want to do, and what I hopedto do when I left him.'

'I thought,' said Squeers, 'that you didn't bear him any particulargood-will. But, I say, why didn't you take some money besides?'

'Some what?' asked Peg.

'Some money,' roared Squeers. 'I do believe the woman hears me, andwants to make me break a wessel, so that she may have the pleasure ofnursing me. Some money, Slider, money!'

'Why, what a man you are to ask!' cried Peg, with some contempt. 'If Ihad taken money from Arthur Gride, he'd have scoured the whole earth tofind me--aye, and he'd have smelt it out, and raked it up, somehow, ifI had buried it at the bottom of the deepest well in England. No, no!I knew better than that. I took what I thought his secrets were hid in:and them he couldn't afford to make public, let'em be worth ever so muchmoney. He's an old dog; a sly, old, cunning, thankless dog! He firststarved, and then tricked me; and if I could I'd kill him.'

'All right, and very laudable,' said Squeers. 'But, first and foremost,Slider, burn the box. You should never keep things as may lead todiscovery. Always mind that. So while you pull it to pieces (which youcan easily do, for it's very old and rickety) and burn it in littlebits, I'll look over the papers and tell you what they are.'

Peg, expressing her acquiescence in this arrangement, Mr Squeers turnedthe box bottom upwards, and tumbling the contents upon the floor, handedit to her; the destruction of the box being an extemporary device forengaging her attention, in case it should prove desirable to distract itfrom his own proceedings.

'There!' said Squeers; 'you poke the pieces between the bars, and makeup a good fire, and I'll read the while. Let me see, let me see.' Andtaking the candle down beside him, Mr Squeers, with great eagernessand a cunning grin overspreading his face, entered upon his task ofexamination.

If the old woman had not been very deaf, she must have heard, when shelast went to the door, the breathing of two persons close behind it: andif those two persons had been unacquainted with her infirmity, they mustprobably have chosen that moment either for presenting themselves ortaking to flight. But, knowing with whom they had to deal, they remainedquite still, and now, not only appeared unobserved at the door--whichwas not bolted, for the bolt had no hasp--but warily, and with noiselessfootsteps, advanced into the room.

As they stole farther and farther in by slight and scarcely perceptibledegrees, and with such caution that they scarcely seemed to breathe, theold hag and Squeers little dreaming of any such invasion, and utterlyunconscious of there being any soul near but themselves, were busilyoccupied with their tasks. The old woman, with her wrinkled face closeto the bars of the stove, puffing at the dull embers which had not yetcaught the wood; Squeers stooping down to the candle, which brought outthe full ugliness of his face, as the light of the fire did that of hiscompanion; both intently engaged, and wearing faces of exultation whichcontrasted strongly with the anxious looks of those behind, who tookadvantage of the slightest sound to cover their advance, and, almostbefore they had moved an inch, and all was silent, stopped again. This,with the large bare room, damp walls, and flickering doubtful light,combined to form a scene which the most careless and indifferentspectator (could any have been present) could scarcely have failed toderive some interest from, and would not readily have forgotten.

Of the stealthy comers, Frank Cheeryble was one, and Newman Noggsthe other. Newman had caught up, by the rusty nozzle, an old pair ofbellows, which were just undergoing a flourish in the air preparatoryto a descent upon the head of Mr Squeers, when Frank, with an earnestgesture, stayed his arm, and, taking another step in advance, came soclose behind the schoolmaster that, by leaning slightly forward, hecould plainly distinguish the writing which he held up to his eye.

Mr Squeers, not being remarkably erudite, appeared to be considerablypuzzled by this first prize, which was in an engrossing hand, and notvery legible except to a practised eye. Having tried it by reading fromleft to right, and from right to left, and finding it equally clear bothways, he turned it upside down with no better success.

'Ha, ha, ha!' chuckled Peg, who, on her knees before the fire, wasfeeding it with fragments of the box, and grinning in most devilishexultation. 'What's that writing about, eh?'

'Nothing particular,' replied Squeers, tossing it towards her. 'It'sonly an old lease, as well as I can make out. Throw it in the fire.'

Mrs Sliderskew complied, and inquired what the next one was.

'This,' said Squeers, 'is a bundle of overdue acceptances and renewedbills of six or eight young gentlemen, but they're all MPs, so it's ofno use to anybody. Throw it in the fire!' Peg did as she was bidden, andwaited for the next.

'This,' said Squeers, 'seems to be some deed of sale of the right ofpresentation to the rectory of Purechurch, in the valley of Cashup. Takecare of that, Slider, literally for God's sake. It'll fetch its price atthe Auction Mart.'

'What's the next?' inquired Peg.

'Why, this,' said Squeers, 'seems, from the two letters that's with it,to be a bond from a curate down in the country, to pay half a year'swages of forty pound for borrowing twenty. Take care of that, for if hedon't pay it, his bishop will very soon be down upon him. We know whatthe camel and the needle's eye means; no man as can't live upon hisincome, whatever it is, must expect to go to heaven at any price. It'svery odd; I don't see anything like it yet.'

'What's the matter?' said Peg.

'Nothing,' replied Squeers, 'only I'm looking for--'

Newman raised the bellows again. Once more, Frank, by a rapid motion ofhis arm, unaccompanied by any noise, checked him in his purpose.

'Here you are,' said Squeers, 'bonds--take care of them. Warrant ofattorney--take care of that. Two cognovits--take care of them. Lease andrelease--burn that. Ah! "Madeline Bray--come of age or marry--the saidMadeline"--here, burn THAT!'

Eagerly throwing towards the old woman a parchment that he caught up forthe purpose, Squeers, as she turned her head, thrust into the breast ofhis large coat, the deed in which these words had caught his eye, andburst into a shout of triumph.

'I've got it!' said Squeers. 'I've got it! Hurrah! The plan was a goodone, though the chance was desperate, and the day's our own at last!'

Peg demanded what he laughed at, but no answer was returned. Newman'sarm could no longer be restrained; the bellows, descending heavily andwith unerring aim on the very centre of Mr Squeers's head, felled him tothe floor, and stretched him on it flat and senseless.