It was a wonderfully fine thing to have that lofty castle to myself, andto feel, when I shut my outer door, like Robinson Crusoe, when he hadgot into his fortification, and pulled his ladder up after him. It was awonderfully fine thing to walk about town with the key of my house in mypocket, and to know that I could ask any fellow to come home, and makequite sure of its being inconvenient to nobody, if it were not so to me.It was a wonderfully fine thing to let myself in and out, and to comeand go without a word to anyone, and to ring Mrs. Crupp up, gasping,from the depths of the earth, when I wanted her--and when she wasdisposed to come. All this, I say, was wonderfully fine; but I must say,too, that there were times when it was very dreary.

It was fine in the morning, particularly in the fine mornings. It lookeda very fresh, free life, by daylight: still fresher, and more free, bysunlight. But as the day declined, the life seemed to go down too. Idon't know how it was; it seldom looked well by candle-light. I wantedsomebody to talk to, then. I missed Agnes. I found a tremendous blank,in the place of that smiling repository of my confidence. Mrs. Cruppappeared to be a long way off. I thought about my predecessor, who haddied of drink and smoke; and I could have wished he had been so good asto live, and not bother me with his decease.

After two days and nights, I felt as if I had lived there for a year,and yet I was not an hour older, but was quite as much tormented by myown youthfulness as ever.

Steerforth not yet appearing, which induced me to apprehend that he mustbe ill, I left the Commons early on the third day, and walked out toHighgate. Mrs. Steerforth was very glad to see me, and said that he hadgone away with one of his Oxford friends to see another who lived nearSt. Albans, but that she expected him to return tomorrow. I was so fondof him, that I felt quite jealous of his Oxford friends.

As she pressed me to stay to dinner, I remained, and I believe we talkedabout nothing but him all day. I told her how much the people liked himat Yarmouth, and what a delightful companion he had been. Miss Dartlewas full of hints and mysterious questions, but took a great interestin all our proceedings there, and said, 'Was it really though?' and soforth, so often, that she got everything out of me she wanted to know.Her appearance was exactly what I have described it, when I first sawher; but the society of the two ladies was so agreeable, and came sonatural to me, that I felt myself falling a little in love with her. Icould not help thinking, several times in the course of the evening, andparticularly when I walked home at night, what delightful company shewould be in Buckingham Street.

I was taking my coffee and roll in the morning, before going to theCommons--and I may observe in this place that it is surprising howmuch coffee Mrs. Crupp used, and how weak it was, considering--whenSteerforth himself walked in, to my unbounded joy.

'My dear Steerforth,' cried I, 'I began to think I should never see youagain!'

'I was carried off, by force of arms,' said Steerforth, 'the very nextmorning after I got home. Why, Daisy, what a rare old bachelor you arehere!'

I showed him over the establishment, not omitting the pantry, with nolittle pride, and he commended it highly. 'I tell you what, old boy,' headded, 'I shall make quite a town-house of this place, unless you giveme notice to quit.'

This was a delightful hearing. I told him if he waited for that, hewould have to wait till doomsday.

'But you shall have some breakfast!' said I, with my hand on thebell-rope, 'and Mrs. Crupp shall make you some fresh coffee, and I'lltoast you some bacon in a bachelor's Dutch-oven, that I have got here.'

'No, no!' said Steerforth. 'Don't ring! I can't! I am going to breakfastwith one of these fellows who is at the Piazza Hotel, in Covent Garden.'

'But you'll come back to dinner?' said I.

'I can't, upon my life. There's nothing I should like better, but I mustremain with these two fellows. We are all three off together tomorrowmorning.'

'Then bring them here to dinner,' I returned. 'Do you think they wouldcome?'

'Oh! they would come fast enough,' said Steerforth; 'but we shouldinconvenience you. You had better come and dine with us somewhere.'

I would not by any means consent to this, for it occurred to me that Ireally ought to have a little house-warming, and that there nevercould be a better opportunity. I had a new pride in my rooms afterhis approval of them, and burned with a desire to develop their utmostresources. I therefore made him promise positively in the names of histwo friends, and we appointed six o'clock as the dinner-hour.

When he was gone, I rang for Mrs. Crupp, and acquainted her with mydesperate design. Mrs. Crupp said, in the first place, of course it waswell known she couldn't be expected to wait, but she knew a handy youngman, who she thought could be prevailed upon to do it, and whose termswould be five shillings, and what I pleased. I said, certainly we wouldhave him. Next Mrs. Crupp said it was clear she couldn't be in twoplaces at once (which I felt to be reasonable), and that 'a young gal'stationed in the pantry with a bedroom candle, there never to desistfrom washing plates, would be indispensable. I said, what would bethe expense of this young female? and Mrs. Crupp said she supposedeighteenpence would neither make me nor break me. I said I supposed not;and THAT was settled. Then Mrs. Crupp said, Now about the dinner.

It was a remarkable instance of want of forethought on the part of theironmonger who had made Mrs. Crupp's kitchen fireplace, that it wascapable of cooking nothing but chops and mashed potatoes. As to afish-kittle, Mrs. Crupp said, well! would I only come and look at therange? She couldn't say fairer than that. Would I come and look atit? As I should not have been much the wiser if I HAD looked at it, Ideclined, and said, 'Never mind fish.' But Mrs. Crupp said, Don't saythat; oysters was in, why not them? So THAT was settled. Mrs. Cruppthen said what she would recommend would be this. A pair of hotroast fowls--from the pastry-cook's; a dish of stewed beef, withvegetables--from the pastry-cook's; two little corner things, as araised pie and a dish of kidneys--from the pastrycook's; a tart, and (ifI liked) a shape of jelly--from the pastrycook's. This, Mrs. Crupp said,would leave her at full liberty to concentrate her mind on the potatoes,and to serve up the cheese and celery as she could wish to see it done.

I acted on Mrs. Crupp's opinion, and gave the order at the pastry-cook'smyself. Walking along the Strand, afterwards, and observing a hardmottled substance in the window of a ham and beef shop, which resembledmarble, but was labelled 'Mock Turtle', I went in and bought a slab ofit, which I have since seen reason to believe would have sufficed forfifteen people. This preparation, Mrs. Crupp, after some difficulty,consented to warm up; and it shrunk so much in a liquid state, that wefound it what Steerforth called 'rather a tight fit' for four.

These preparations happily completed, I bought a little dessert inCovent Garden Market, and gave a rather extensive order at a retailwine-merchant's in that vicinity. When I came home in the afternoon, andsaw the bottles drawn up in a square on the pantry floor, they lookedso numerous (though there were two missing, which made Mrs. Crupp veryuncomfortable), that I was absolutely frightened at them.

One of Steerforth's friends was named Grainger, and the other Markham.They were both very gay and lively fellows; Grainger, something olderthan Steerforth; Markham, youthful-looking, and I should say notmore than twenty. I observed that the latter always spoke of himselfindefinitely, as 'a man', and seldom or never in the first personsingular.

'A man might get on very well here, Mr. Copperfield,' saidMarkham--meaning himself.

'It's not a bad situation,' said I, 'and the rooms are reallycommodious.'

'I hope you have both brought appetites with you?' said Steerforth.

'Upon my honour,' returned Markham, 'town seems to sharpen a man'sappetite. A man is hungry all day long. A man is perpetually eating.'

Being a little embarrassed at first, and feeling much too young topreside, I made Steerforth take the head of the table when dinner wasannounced, and seated myself opposite to him. Everything was very good;we did not spare the wine; and he exerted himself so brilliantly to makethe thing pass off well, that there was no pause in our festivity. I wasnot quite such good company during dinner as I could have wished to be,for my chair was opposite the door, and my attention was distracted byobserving that the handy young man went out of the room very often, andthat his shadow always presented itself, immediately afterwards, on thewall of the entry, with a bottle at its mouth. The 'young gal' likewiseoccasioned me some uneasiness: not so much by neglecting to wash theplates, as by breaking them. For being of an inquisitive disposition,and unable to confine herself (as her positive instructions were) to thepantry, she was constantly peering in at us, and constantly imaginingherself detected; in which belief, she several times retired upon theplates (with which she had carefully paved the floor), and did a greatdeal of destruction.

These, however, were small drawbacks, and easily forgotten when thecloth was cleared, and the dessert put on the table; at which period ofthe entertainment the handy young man was discovered to be speechless.Giving him private directions to seek the society of Mrs. Crupp, andto remove the 'young gal' to the basement also, I abandoned myself toenjoyment.

I began, by being singularly cheerful and light-hearted; all sorts ofhalf-forgotten things to talk about, came rushing into my mind, and mademe hold forth in a most unwonted manner. I laughed heartily at my ownjokes, and everybody else's; called Steerforth to order for not passingthe wine; made several engagements to go to Oxford; announced thatI meant to have a dinner-party exactly like that, once a week, untilfurther notice; and madly took so much snuff out of Grainger's box, thatI was obliged to go into the pantry, and have a private fit of sneezingten minutes long.

I went on, by passing the wine faster and faster yet, and continuallystarting up with a corkscrew to open more wine, long before any wasneeded. I proposed Steerforth's health. I said he was my dearest friend,the protector of my boyhood, and the companion of my prime. I said I wasdelighted to propose his health. I said I owed him more obligations thanI could ever repay, and held him in a higher admiration than I couldever express. I finished by saying, 'I'll give you Steerforth! God blesshim! Hurrah!' We gave him three times three, and another, and a good oneto finish with. I broke my glass in going round the table to shakehands with him, and I said (in two words)

'Steerforth--you'retheguidingstarofmyexistence.'

I went on, by finding suddenly that somebody was in the middle of asong. Markham was the singer, and he sang 'When the heart of a man isdepressed with care'. He said, when he had sung it, he would give us'Woman!' I took objection to that, and I couldn't allow it. I saidit was not a respectful way of proposing the toast, and I would neverpermit that toast to be drunk in my house otherwise than as 'TheLadies!' I was very high with him, mainly I think because I sawSteerforth and Grainger laughing at me--or at him--or at both of us. Hesaid a man was not to be dictated to. I said a man was. He said a manwas not to be insulted, then. I said he was right there--never undermy roof, where the Lares were sacred, and the laws of hospitalityparamount. He said it was no derogation from a man's dignity to confessthat I was a devilish good fellow. I instantly proposed his health.

Somebody was smoking. We were all smoking. I was smoking, and tryingto suppress a rising tendency to shudder. Steerforth had made a speechabout me, in the course of which I had been affected almost to tears.I returned thanks, and hoped the present company would dine with metomorrow, and the day after--each day at five o'clock, that we mightenjoy the pleasures of conversation and society through a long evening.I felt called upon to propose an individual. I would give them my aunt.Miss Betsey Trotwood, the best of her sex!

Somebody was leaning out of my bedroom window, refreshing his foreheadagainst the cool stone of the parapet, and feeling the air upon hisface. It was myself. I was addressing myself as 'Copperfield', andsaying, 'Why did you try to smoke? You might have known you couldn'tdo it.' Now, somebody was unsteadily contemplating his features in thelooking-glass. That was I too. I was very pale in the looking-glass;my eyes had a vacant appearance; and my hair--only my hair, nothingelse--looked drunk.

Somebody said to me, 'Let us go to the theatre, Copperfield!' There wasno bedroom before me, but again the jingling table covered with glasses;the lamp; Grainger on my right hand, Markham on my left, and Steerforthopposite--all sitting in a mist, and a long way off. The theatre? Tobe sure. The very thing. Come along! But they must excuse me if I saweverybody out first, and turned the lamp off--in case of fire.

Owing to some confusion in the dark, the door was gone. I was feelingfor it in the window-curtains, when Steerforth, laughing, took me bythe arm and led me out. We went downstairs, one behind another. Nearthe bottom, somebody fell, and rolled down. Somebody else said it wasCopperfield. I was angry at that false report, until, finding myself onmy back in the passage, I began to think there might be some foundationfor it.

A very foggy night, with great rings round the lamps in the streets!There was an indistinct talk of its being wet. I considered it frosty.Steerforth dusted me under a lamp-post, and put my hat into shape, whichsomebody produced from somewhere in a most extraordinary manner, forI hadn't had it on before. Steerforth then said, 'You are all right,Copperfield, are you not?' and I told him, 'Neverberrer.'

A man, sitting in a pigeon-hole-place, looked out of the fog, and tookmoney from somebody, inquiring if I was one of the gentlemen paid for,and appearing rather doubtful (as I remember in the glimpse I had ofhim) whether to take the money for me or not. Shortly afterwards, wewere very high up in a very hot theatre, looking down into a large pit,that seemed to me to smoke; the people with whom it was crammed were soindistinct. There was a great stage, too, looking very clean andsmooth after the streets; and there were people upon it, talking aboutsomething or other, but not at all intelligibly. There was an abundanceof bright lights, and there was music, and there were ladies down in theboxes, and I don't know what more. The whole building looked to me as ifit were learning to swim; it conducted itself in such an unaccountablemanner, when I tried to steady it.

On somebody's motion, we resolved to go downstairs to the dress-boxes,where the ladies were. A gentleman lounging, full dressed, on a sofa,with an opera-glass in his hand, passed before my view, and also my ownfigure at full length in a glass. Then I was being ushered into one ofthese boxes, and found myself saying something as I sat down, and peopleabout me crying 'Silence!' to somebody, and ladies casting indignantglances at me, and--what! yes!--Agnes, sitting on the seat before me, inthe same box, with a lady and gentleman beside her, whom I didn'tknow. I see her face now, better than I did then, I dare say, with itsindelible look of regret and wonder turned upon me.

'Agnes!' I said, thickly, 'Lorblessmer! Agnes!'

'Hush! Pray!' she answered, I could not conceive why. 'You disturb thecompany. Look at the stage!'

I tried, on her injunction, to fix it, and to hear something of what wasgoing on there, but quite in vain. I looked at her again by and by, andsaw her shrink into her corner, and put her gloved hand to her forehead.

'Agnes!' I said. 'I'mafraidyou'renorwell.'

'Yes, yes. Do not mind me, Trotwood,' she returned. 'Listen! Are yougoing away soon?'

'Amigoarawaysoo?' I repeated.

'Yes.'

I had a stupid intention of replying that I was going to wait, to handher downstairs. I suppose I expressed it, somehow; for after she hadlooked at me attentively for a little while, she appeared to understand,and replied in a low tone:

'I know you will do as I ask you, if I tell you I am very earnest init. Go away now, Trotwood, for my sake, and ask your friends to take youhome.'

She had so far improved me, for the time, that though I was angry withher, I felt ashamed, and with a short 'Goori!' (which I intended for'Good night!') got up and went away. They followed, and I stepped atonce out of the box-door into my bedroom, where only Steerforth was withme, helping me to undress, and where I was by turns telling him thatAgnes was my sister, and adjuring him to bring the corkscrew, that Imight open another bottle of wine.

How somebody, lying in my bed, lay saying and doing all this over again,at cross purposes, in a feverish dream all night--the bed a rocking seathat was never still! How, as that somebody slowly settled down intomyself, did I begin to parch, and feel as if my outer covering of skinwere a hard board; my tongue the bottom of an empty kettle, furred withlong service, and burning up over a slow fire; the palms of my hands,hot plates of metal which no ice could cool!

But the agony of mind, the remorse, and shame I felt when I becameconscious next day! My horror of having committed a thousand offences Ihad forgotten, and which nothing could ever expiate--my recollectionof that indelible look which Agnes had given me--the torturingimpossibility of communicating with her, not knowing, Beast that I was,how she came to be in London, or where she stayed--my disgust ofthe very sight of the room where the revel had been held--my rackinghead--the smell of smoke, the sight of glasses, the impossibility ofgoing out, or even getting up! Oh, what a day it was!

Oh, what an evening, when I sat down by my fire to a basin of muttonbroth, dimpled all over with fat, and thought I was going the way of mypredecessor, and should succeed to his dismal story as well as to hischambers, and had half a mind to rush express to Dover and revealall! What an evening, when Mrs. Crupp, coming in to take away thebroth-basin, produced one kidney on a cheese-plate as the entire remainsof yesterday's feast, and I was really inclined to fall upon her nankeenbreast and say, in heartfelt penitence, 'Oh, Mrs. Crupp, Mrs. Crupp,never mind the broken meats! I am very miserable!'--only that I doubted,even at that pass, if Mrs. Crupp were quite the sort of woman to confidein!